Saturday, January 5, 2013

You don't know shit about meditation!

If you were expecting to find some Buddha bullshit, you better press "backspace" and get the hell out of this page. Meditation has nothing to do with obese monks or the arcane ideas of some wild barefoot populous dancing around campfires. The idea of meditation is probably older than any existing religion and didn't even have to be invented. The moment you close your eyes without falling asleep is the moment you technically start meditating. Yeah, that’s right! The moment you lay back after smoking that fat blunt is the moment you are travelling within the confines of your own mind.

Not to confuse you with Tibetan monks, the Dalai Lama and all those other robe wearing bald headed rice eaters. I shall quickly supply you with a rough definition of who Buddha was:

A long long time ago, there was prince who wanted to find peace of mind. One day, he left his castle and as he was walking through the many towns of his kingdom, he noticed much pain and suffering. He began meditating and following the local teachings as to find an answer to all the pain and suffering in the world. He meditated so much that he got rid of all his inner needs allowing him to reach a state (not the music band) called "Nirvana". To cure the poverty and suffering, he used his influence and wealth to propagate his teachings; and he wasn't obese but on the contrary quite slim and frail.
Buddha actually looks like your typical Bollywood actor.
Trailerpark westerners often confuse Buddha with Budai which is actually an Asian god of wealth and good luck.

Budai's before picture following the Atkins diet.

Meditation is a tool that Buddhists use. You don't need to be a Buddhist or as a matter of fact religious to meditate.

Meditation can cure: 

- High Blood Pressure
- Stress
- Restlessness
- Unnecessary emotions
- Lack of objectivity
- Anxiety
- PMS (not sure about this one)

How to meditate?

The real way to do it, is to close your eyes and to try to block all incoming sensory to your brain. How do I do that? You simply imagine something neutral which isn't associated with anything at all to prevent your brain from initiating a slide show of all the garbage that’s in your skull. So you must focus on the "neutral symbol" (I use a white wall) for it to stay there. The moment you stop visualizing it, is the moment your brain goes back to ADHD. Another recurring problem while meditating are the sounds your head produces. When you read the following, do you read it out loud in your head? This sound is actually quite damaging to a meditative state of mind. A good way to stop it, would be to repeat a neutral word or maybe a mantra (oohhhmmmmm) in your head or out loud. I haven't explored all the details yet, but I think mantras are useless. If the whole mystical approach helps you to get results faster, please carry on! , but I personally try to stay as far away from epiphanies as possible.

The final element is the oxygen input you get from breathing which has been used by the airline industry to tranquilize the most hysterical passengers. It serves as a drug which slows down your mind even more, and sometimes up to such a point where you feel trapped inside a cage of nothingness. The possibilities are endless here; you can block your visual and auditory senses with almost anything that doesn't remind you of former lovers which might excite your emotions. After keeping this lack of visual, auditory and emotional stimuli for 15 minutes, you will notice a sudden release from all thoughts.

The moment you will open your eyes will be the moment you will look at the world and say "Damn, I really don't give 2 cents about anything" and this, my friend, is called Nirvana. The moment you desire to have more money, more sex, and more friends is the moment you fall depressed due to your inability to obtain it. And even if you do get what you want? Do you really believe that you won't want more? The reason people keep longing for more is a survival mechanism that allows us to wake up in the morning and find the motivation to leave our house with a purpose. A person without constant needs of betterment wouldn't find the strength to live. For real-life examples; such individuals can be found in front or behind your local liquor store. 

Kurt Kobain meditating using the "smells like a teen spirit " mantra , too bad it didn't work.

For more info and medical statistics showing how patients improved: please visit:

Mind the fancy names such as “Transcendal” or “Mantra” meditation; meditation is meditation.
If you wish to try meditation without any of the underlying religious philosophies, try not to get too in depth. What I provided here is more than sufficient. The next time you feel love or hatred towards someone, sit down and try it out for 15 minutes. Results guaranteed!

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LetsNotBullShit Blog by Peter Masalski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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